I'm going to jump way out of my comfort zone today, but I really want to remember all of these times...
I have never felt comfortable talking about marriage. Ever. But, I did know that when I was comfortable with it, then I would know for sure that it was time for me to take that step.
Dustin proposed to me on Valentines Day of 2011 and a Red Barn Steak House which was super romantic. It sounds super country, I know, but everyone eats in their own area, and nobody really bothers you. If you want service, you simply flip your light on and they come to the half wood/half screen door. After he proposed, I was very exstatic. I love Dustin, and I really love that he didn't propose to me right after we found out we were having Mackenzie. To each their own, I was just happy with knowing that when Dustin propsed, it would be because he was ready and wanted to.. Not because he was pressured to.
So, in all honesty, as excited I was to be engaged to Dustin, there was a huge part of me that simply just wasn't ready. It wasn't Dustin. It was all me. At first, I felt super guilty about it. I just asked myself all the time what was wrong with me? I mean I love this guy and he is dying to marry me, and I'm not even comfotable saying the "Marriage" word? And since Dustin holds me accountable for every.single.move I make, we sat down one night and I'm sure we talked all night long.
I was so scared that he was going to blame himself, which at first he did, but after lots, and I mean lots of talking, he did realize that it was all me. I wasn't in the wrong, I just needed more time. He was also glad that I was very honest, and didn't just go through the motions of having a wedidng when I mentally was not there.
When Dustin decided to take his new job at the end of last year, we were both at breaking points. We both had jobs we absolutely hated, and I wouldn't even say we lived paycheck to paycheck. We barely got by. The stress on him was unbelievable because he felt like he wasn't providing for his family. We both took new jobs within a week of each other, and made a complete turn around. As bad as I hated for Dustin to take a job that entailed deployement, it was so good to see that smile back on his face.
After Dustin left for his very first deployement, I had a lot of time to myself. The same thought kept coming into my mind over and over.... If Dustin and I were to die tomorrow, would we get to live together in heaven? Would we see each other every day? Would I even see him at all?
I started talking Dustin's ear off via Skype on when we were going to get married, because I was ready to do this, oh lets say... Yesterday!
We started the planning ever since...
Big or Small Wedding? Small
Hometown or Destination Wedding? Destination
Lots of friends invited or family only? Family only
Beach close to where we live or far away? Far away
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| All smiles while dad was home on leave! |
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When we started talking weddings, Dustin started talking to a buddy while he was overseas... His buddy gave him the name of a lady he used when he bought his wifes wedding rings. Dustin picked this beauty out by himself (along with the wedding band, because he is on top of things!) and he had it shipped from Lake Tahoe to Florida where we were vacationing. He gave it to me on Sanibel Island one of our last days on vacation. I still sit and stare at this thing! He did so good!
And just a reminder of why I love him so much.
I had sent an iMessage to Dustin about how thankful I am that he listens to my every word, and doesn't try to "fix" the problem. He just listens. And told him the story about needing to live with him in heaven. This was some of his response.
I can't wait to marry this man! We are both so excited!
